Going Home (Kaz)

[Legion]

Tonight was a night he was spending away from Kazumi. While they were growing closer and closer together they were still not that close yet, or so Patrick thought? He didn't know. They had said the three big words but still. Then again Patrick was not in too much of a position to be thinking. And the thinking he was doing? Well it wasn't too good. He had about a half bottle of whiskey to thank for that one. Patrick was definitely drunk, there was no questioning that one, but he wasn't piss drunk yet. Wasn't to the point where he couldn't stand yet, though walking was a chore he could do it.

And walk he did, or rather stumble down the street. No real rhyme or reason, just where ever his feet carried him. So long as he had that bottle of whiskey in tow and a lit cigarette in his mouth he wasn't really complaining. Not that the thoughts going through his head were particularly good ones but still. As long as he was up and moving towards a destination his feet seemed to know, even if Patrick's head didn't, he wasn't going to be making as much of the commotion he usually did.

Taking a long drag of the cigarette that hung loosely from his lips Patrick exhaled it out rather force fully as he slogged along, a solemn look on his face. Dark thoughts of failure swirling through his head, times that had seen him standing above many bodies. Unable to fall, stumbling, always being lifted up and then the base stolen away. If some one were to look at Patrick's eyes right now, it was evident he wasn't seeing anything in front of him. He wasn't completely out of this world, but without pressing visual stimulation his eyes were diverted to other images of the past, images of the dead. Words of the dead repeating through his head. Final looks, accusations.

As Patrick walked through the neighborhood, though he couldn't put it together it was very familiar, which was why his feed carried him. The neighborhood looked like it had at one time been some what of a business district. At one time it might have been busy, but now the businesses were gone. The buildings still there were empty, the rest seemed to be slowly decaying. As if that weren't enough it wasn't the safest either, not anymore anyways. As he had entered the neighborhood Patrick's shamble seemed to stiffen up to a memorized gait.

As Patrick walked the red headed specter appeared next to him for the first time in a long time, or at least awhile. Patrick's vision cleared even before he sat the legs of the ghost he could never look in the eyes. Still though with his increased vision he was having trouble figuring out where he was and where he was going. The specter would ask him softly, already privy to the information, "Where are you going Patrick?"

"Don't know Zea" Patrick said quickly and truthfully, at least to his knowledge. He was just moving, pretty much devoid of thought.

"I think you do Patrick," Zea said to him knowingly.

"I don't know what yer talking about," Patrick said, frustration showing now, "I'm just going where I apparently have to go."

"I know Patrick," Zea said, disappearing.

Patrick gave a slight growl of annoyance before his feet turned him to see a door in front of him, yellow condemned tape covering it up. The door was a lot more beaten up then Patrick remembered, but it had been four years. The memories flooded back to Patrick, to the point where he didn't even have to look up to the sign above the door, which while beat up still read, "By the fireside books". All he could manage as he looked at the door was one word, "Home."

Patrick pulled the tape down and pushed the door open. Upon walking inside he could tell, even through his drunken haze that the place had not been without the ravishes of time. Dust everywhere, the book starting to rot. Patrick stood at the entrance for a moment as he replayed memories of being here with Zea. They didn't have much but they were getting by, and with more money then they had living off the streets. A small smile almost crossed Patrick's face until his head dropped seeing the blood trail that was still stained onto the floor, drawing a frown. That was from the night Zea died. It was his blood, but it was after he had gotten back, barely having escaped with his life. No, this place didn't hold just good memories.

Patrick slowly wandered behind the counter of the shop and up the stairs. To the living quarters. To their makeshift apartment above the shop. It was just as dusty as downstairs was. It was a small thing but it fit everything, in a flat set up. The only other room there was upstairs was a bathroom. Once again I'd like to reiterate for Patrick's sake that he wasn't sure why he was there at all. Probably because he was drunk and well, smoking too.

He wandered over to the desk on a whim. As he did he saw a picture frame that he had forgotten he'd ever had. Slowly, cautiously, almost as if afraid he reached for the frame. Picking it up he couldn't see through it because of the dust. Unsure of his he used his hand to wipe it off. And with that for the first time in four years he saw a picture of the red head, with his arms curled around her in the picture...

"Zea..."

[Kazumi O'Connor]

It was another one of those nights where she just couldn't sleep. She was spending time away from Patrick and though it wasn't so much out of any kind of desire, nor any real need, it was still something that happened from time to time. Sure, they had gotten really close over the two months that they had been dating, and the words "I love you" had been issued a good while ago....but that still didn't mean that they were close enough to be spending every night together.

Did it?

A little frustrated sigh escaping her lips as she shoved her hands into her pockets and kept moving. It was another one of her usual walks, though this one was a bit different. First of all, it wasn't one she took without her Mom's knowing....No, this one was because of them. She had told them tonight that she was going to be living in the house that Kevala had set up as a safe house for her. They had not particularly liked that idea, and yet they could not dispute her reasoning behind it.

She was getting older, and with the constant need to have those sessions to push Feht back into her little hole, back into Kaz's mind, it just made more sense. Sure, both of them knew that it also had to do with Kazumi's desire to spend more quality alone time with her boyfriend and because of the fact that her brother's were not living with them anymore. But neither one had wanted to breech that topic, not since they knew how sore a subject Aiden was right now for all of them.

Shaking her head, she pulled her hands free from her pockets so that she could tug her hood around her head a bit more. She wasn't sure who she was hiding from exactly, seeing as how she had not passed a single person or car in the past ten minutes, but she was hiding none the less. Thankful that she had managed to give the slip to Edward. He had backed off a lot since she talked to her Mother, not sure what the woman had said to him, but betting threats were flying pretty freely during that conversation.

All this and more running through her mind as she nibbled softly upon the corner of her lower lip, her eyes fixated upon the sidewalk in front of her, no real attention being paid to where she was headed. She didn't care, so long as she walked and felt the freedom of the air as it brushed against her flesh. Still, when she turned the corner, the last thing she had been expecting was to hear an all too familiar voice coming from somewhere ahead of her.

Instantly those eyes darted upward, looking through the darkness toward the figure which was stumbling along the sidewalk. It didn't take but a second for her to realize it was Patrick, both the sound of his voice and the figure itself gave him away. Of all the people she knew, he was by far one of the ones that she could easily call to memory without a second thought. Taking a quick step forward, her mouth opened to say something, but was quickly clamped shut as she heard him again speaking.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that he was speaking to one of his ghosts, something she had not heard him do in some time. Oh, she had never for one second thought that he was past it, she had just assumed that it had lessened a bit, or that he was hiding it from her extremely well. Still, the thought of speaking out to him again crossed her mind and was once more cut short as he spoke, seemingly carrying on a conversation with whatever ghost he was seeing.

Something in the way he acted and the tone of his voice, however slurred and drunken it might have been, gave her a clue as to who it was. Zea, the girl he had loved, the one he had lost and the one that Kazumi knew, deep down, he still had feelings for. Oh sure, she had never brought it up, had pretended not to know, had avoided it at all costs, but she knew....deep down she had known even before he had told her he loved her.

That night at the dock...he might have been there to kill himself because of losing her....but the spot he had knelt in...well Kazumi knew all too well what that spot had been. So yeah, she wasn't the clueless girlfriend, she was just the girlfriend that was too scared of having him tell her that she would never be enough to compare to Zea.

So, with that in mind, she stayed silent, slowing in her footsteps as she took up following him. Curious as to where he was headed and interested in what exactly was on his mind. She wasn't trying to spy, she just figured maybe this was something he needed to get out of his system, perhaps...help him figure out whatever confusions he had going on in his head.

So, silently she kept on his tail, so to speak...Lingering back behind the corner of a building as she noticed him coming to a stop in front of a door with yellow tape across the front. Close enough though, that when he spoke she heard it, and a part of her, however small, broke. It was a single word, true, but for her, the world "home" held so much significance, so much importance, that to think, that even now, this was what he considered his home...well, it hurt.

Still, she wouldn't say anything, simply waiting a few minutes to follow, long enough that she had missed him being downstairs and instead heard the distinct sounds of him walking around on the next floor. Silently, something Kazumi was perhaps a bit too good at, she crept up the stairs, hearing him moving about in one of the rooms and stopping just outside the door, her back pressing into the wall....His next word confirming her suspicions on who it was that he was currently seeing.

For now, this was where she would stay. Listening and just...waiting...Not sure really what to do or what to say....So figuring that leaving him alone was her best bet.

[Legion]

Patrick sat down in the chair next to the desk, picture still in hand. He sighed looking at it. There was just so much pain looking into her face, a drink of whiskey taken. He knew that it was wrong, that they were done, that she was gone but he couldn't help but think that things were unresolved. It made him feel guilty too. Like he was cheating, though he knew that technically he couldn't be. Patrick gave another somewhat frustrated sigh as he heard footsteps behind him.

"What are you doing?" The ghost asked him calmly.

"What do ye mean?" Patrick asked uncertainty in his voice, as he didn't quite understand what she meant.

"What are you doing here? For starters," Conversation that would no doubt be uncomfortable starting

"I don't know, I thought that was clear. I just showed up here. I don't know why, haven't been here in four years, never wanted to come back," Patrick said, sure that her question had been more rhetorical, forcing him into modes of thought or directions she wanted him to go. But that was always how it was with her, it seemed. Almost as if she was omniscient, knowing exactly how to push him where she wanted.

"It's because in your heart and mind, you never really left this place," Zea said, once again confirming his theory that everything she said had some sort of motive behind it. But, as always, it worked without fail.

"I still feel, sometimes, that I died out on that dock," Patrick admitted with a sigh, looking down to the ground, "anything important at least."

"And yet you have a girlfriend you love, and that loves you," Zea said pointedly, not angry, not mad, just matter-of-factly. Proving a point if anything, one that Patrick failed to see fully.

"I know, and that makes me feel guilty," Patrick said with a sigh. He shouldn't be with Kazumi he felt. Not out of anything other then guilt that he felt like he didn't deserve her. That he was cheating her, as with his previous statement. He wasn't sure he could give himself to her in the ways that he should, because he wasn't sure if any of that was left. Not after that night.

"Why?" once again knowing the answer.

"I love her, I really do," Patrick said, felling like he had to qualify it, "But I feel like I don't deserve her. Especially when I can't get over ye. And I don't know why I can't."

Patrick sighed, his gaze continuing down at the ground.

"Patrick..."

[Kazumi O'Connor]

She stood there, her back pressed against that wall. It wasn't much of a wall mind you, but for her size it was more than enough. Closing her eyes, she debated upon leaving, upon just letting him have this moment to himself, but she had seen the way he had been walking and she knew that this was usually his manner of getting sleep...which meant at some point he was likely to be too drunk to stand...She couldn't leave him here, knowing that he could end up that way....She just couldn't.

To be honest, no matter how much she wanted to know about this part of his life, no matter how much she wanted to know about his feelings for Zea, the real and true reason that she lingered was because, she needed to be there for him if he got that bad. She had promised that she would be there for him if he needed her, and no matter what, she would be. Even if it meant she had to feel pain in learning of his feelings for a girl that had long since passed away, feelings that could very well threaten what they had together now.

Her thoughts cut short as he began to speak again, and with herself only able to hear his side of the conversation, she had to try and piece together what was being said from the other end. Though it wasn't hard to figure out that she was part of this topic, along with his reasons for being here.

When she heard him say that he felt like a part of him had died in that place, she hand to raise her hand to cover her mouth and stifle back a small whimper, blue eyes fading to amethyst as tears slowly began to fill them. It was an odd mixture of feelings she was experiencing right now. Partly, she was hurt that after everything....he still felt as though he was forever lost to that place, to her memory. It hurt, to think that no matter how much she loved him, that it had not been enough to make him feel like he could truly have that part of himself back.

But more than that....it killed her to know that he still suffered that way. Kazumi was not beyond being selfish sometimes, but for the most part she was a rather understanding and caring girl. She gave so much of herself to those she loved, even if they did not know this or fully understand it. So yes, in this instant, she was able to push aside her own selfish pain and instead feel more for what he was going through....if for no other reason than the fact that she loved him so very much.

Though the conversation continued, and the topic of his feelings come into play. She wasn't sure how to follow this conversation, but she tried her best to put in place what Phee would have said to her in this situation, sort of....as sort of a guide and it helped, in a way, to keep up with where things were headed.

Feelings of guilt, though she could not quite figure out over what. Sure, she knew that he had many things he felt guilty for, some that he would tell her, others he did not. She never pushed, but perhaps she should have, at least a little. Though soon enough her question was answered as he spoke of being in love with her, yet....

That is when the tears escaped her eyes, having merely been building until now. Slowly they rolled down her cheeks, stopping at her fingers which continued to clamp down over her mouth. Her free hand coming to rest upon her stomach as her own thoughts and worries that had been consuming her for a few days now broke free and rushed through her mind. Worries that she told herself were unfounded, ones that did not bare discussion with anyone at this point, especially not him.

She had been debating upon telling him....wanting to so very badly....but now....

She waited another moment, her breath wavering as it caught in her throat and then escaped in a slight shudder around her fingers. Eyes closing to push back any tears that might still be there and using every bit of strength she had left to steady herself.....Perhaps now was not the time to interrupt him, perhaps now was not the time to stop him from saying what he needed to say....But, with her suspicions confirmed, she just....well she just had to know.

Perhaps a week ago she could have let it go, waited til he got wasted completely and then lugged him home to sleep it off....Pretending that she never heard a thing...But now, well now options on such things were limited and though she wasn't sure on a few things, she still couldn't take the chance....Not when it was something this important.

Slowly, her hand would lower from her lips and she would draw in a deep breath. Tasting the dust and the musky air that surrounded her and having to work not to cough. Then, with a soft little sigh, she would swallow the lump in her throat and shift her body so that she came around that wall she had been hiding behind and now, instead, stood beside it. Her hand pushing her hood back so that he could see it was her more clearly....dark locks spilling around her face, which was still streaked with the tears she had cried. "Baby..."

Her voice cracked just slightly, despite her best efforts to keep it soft and casual as always, little fingers clasping together in front of her. "Are...Are you okay?" Her stammering had significantly decreased with the sessions they had been having to put Feht back in Kazumi's mind...but with this situation, it was not something that could be helped.

She would wait now, make sure he was okay and gauge his reaction to her being here before she would dare to breach the topic which she no longer felt could be put off until another time....even if he was drunk.....She needed to know.

[Legion]

Patrick wasn't entirely sure what Zea was going to say next, or even if she was going to say anything next. He gave it a fifty fifty. Sometimes she faded out after saying his name like that, sometimes it was just a pause before she told him something else. His eyes turned to her feet, nervously, never looking her in the eyes, guilt and shame over what he had done too strong for that. It had been that way ever since she had started appearing to him, along with the others, though mostly her. She was the only one he couldn't bear to look in the eyes. Hell, the people he had actually killed himself he could look in the eyes, but not her. Not after everything she had done for him and he had thrown back in her face. He didn't deserve the kindness she had showed him, nor did he deserve Kazumi.

Waves of guilt wracked over Patrick about her. He really did love Kazumi, but he hated how Zea lingered in his mind. Not that he hated Zea, but his feelings towards her. She was dead, gone. And then she wasn't. Patrick knew he shouldn't feel this way, but he couldn't stop. He tried, but every time he closed his eyes he was always on that dock, though, his nightmares had changed. He was no longer the one that watched himself shoot Zea before turning the gun to him, who, in his dreams had been desperately trying to save her. It was him with the gun who shot Zea, personally, before turning the gun to Kazumi. What was strange about that was it was Kazumi working her way to him, but that was never the part that bothered him. What had always bothered him was that he too killed Kazumi. But she was still here. He couldn't help but feel as if that was a sign of things to come.

Yes, there was a plethora of emotions that surrounded Patrick around the whole situation stemming around his past. One that he could shake, though the one that seemed to be hitting him the hardest right now was that guilt. That he should be over Zea, that he should feel any sort of attachment to her. She was dead and Patrick was with Kazumi now. Patrick loved her, and he wanted to stay with Kazumi. Even if Zea were alive still he would think that he'd want this. But things ended so drastically with her, he didn't know what to feel or what to think. Especially about relationships of the like.

Well, he knew how he should feel but there was that distinct lack of closure. Unfinished, unresolved feelings. Guilt. That look that Zea had given him, that one of sharp accusation, of Disgust. No, their places should have been reversed. Perhaps that was what Patrick meant when he felt that a part of him died on that dock, perhaps not. That night changed him, there was no doubt about that. He didn't know how he should act though. Should he be happy? Was that okay? When he was alive and she wasn't? When he had killed her?

When another voice spoke up Patrick's head turned. Even drunk he knew whose it was. It was Kazumi. Asking him if he was alright. He couldn't quite make out the tears, but he could the concern. Leading him to believe that she had heard everything. Not that he actually knew or had any real logic behind the assumption, but because that was just the assumption he was going to make because he was drunk.

"I'm so sorry," were the first words out of his mouth, "I know that I shouldn't feel this way. That I should be over everything, but I can't shake it. I love ye, I really do Kazumi."

Yeah, he was assuming too that she heard Zea. Hooray for sound logic...

[Kazumi O'Connor]

It took him a bit to answer her. Not very long in the grand scale of things, but in her mind it seemed like an eternity. Tears rolling down her face, she tried her best to get rid of them, to hide them from him and pretend like she had not heard anything. Sure, the main goal in her making her presence known just now was to talk to him about it, but in the end, all she wanted to do was pretend it never happened and just go back to living under the assumption that he loved her, and that she was enough to compare to that memory that haunted him.....

But then he heard her voice and when he spoke, she heard the guilt and sadness in his tone, and if there had been any chance of her holding back her tears, it was lost just then. A soft little sob released as her hand came up to press her fingers against her lips, trying to stifle back any other such noises and instead letting him finish what it was he wanted, or no...had to say.

It killed her to hear him like this, to hear the pain and the torment of his past bleeding through into his present, to know that such things haunted him as that room and the memory of Earth haunted her. Then, to add to that pain, was the part of her that loved him so very much, the part that didn't want to lose him, especially not to some memory, to some ghost that she could never really compete with. Another girl, perhaps if she was alive, would not hurt as bad. Though not for the reasons you might think. No, at least if it was another girl, she would know that he was happy, and the pain would be something she could manage....But to lose him to this....to Zea, who could never be more than a haunting reminder....that was something she couldn't bare, because to her, that was just like giving up on him.

As he finished, she would not have moved from her current spot. Oh, there was nothing more she wanted to do right now than go to him, put her soft, delicate little hands upon his face and tell him that it was okay, that she understood, that she didn't care. But like so many other times she had been forced to tell him something she didn't want to, she had promised she would not lie...and she wasn't going to start now. "I...I know that you love me baby...I really do..." Her voice cracked and the fear and pain that mixed in with the concern was all too evident in her tone.

"But...I need..." She hesitated, scared of where this line of conversation might take them, scared of what could end up happening to their relationship if she continued on this path, yet sure that it would only cause trouble down the line if she didn't ask..."I need to know....If ....If I will ever be enough for you Patrick. I need to know, if....if a month, two months, a year...whatever, down the road.....will you ever be able to love me like you did her?"

She felt her legs growing weak as her stomach knotted with anticipation of his answer, more tears escaping as she bit down onto her lower lip, a soft, desperate and pained whimper escaping her. Why did she had to feel things so intensely? Why couldn't she just be normal? Why couldn't she just....accept what she had and not try for anything more? "Because...I love you, with all my heart, and I want to say I will wait for as long as you need me too...B...But I cannot wait forever to be able to match up to a ghost....I can't always be comparing myself to her....wondering if you are happy with me or wishing you could have her in your arms instead....I can't live forever seeing you in this kind of pain, with this kind of guilt because....it hurts me more than you will ever know to see you like this...All I have ever wanted was to make your life a little better...to ease some of your pain...b..but if I cannot do that...." She trailed off, or more so was cut off as her words failed her and another light sob was issued forth instead. She didn't know what more to say. She was trembling already, her nerves which had settled so much over the past couple weeks now thrown into high gear once more....Hell it took everything she had to stop from stuttering once more and to keep her eyes trained on him....because right now it would be so much easier to look away....Hell, to run away.

[Legion]

She knew he loved her but... Even drunk Patrick knew that what was about to happen next was very, very important. That scared him, more then he thought possible. He had always been terrified of losing her, to death. And though he had never wanted their relationship to end, he had the solace that at least she'd leave alive. But having some sort of idea what was coming up, he was terrified, and his eyes showed it. He didn't want to lose her, alive or dead. He was scared of what she was going to say next, that it might not be something he could live up to.

When she asked the question Patrick didn't know what to say. How to reply to that. He loved Zea, but did he now? He wasn't so sure. He didn't know what he felt about her, other then the gut wrenching guilt over how things had ended. What he did know, for sure was that he loved Kazumi. He loved her a lot. Probably, more then he ever had Zea. But there was something about Zea that had always struck him. Perhaps it was how everything had gone down?

When she said that she couldn't always be comparing herself to Zea, that hurt. It hurt Patrick to think that his past, his demons were causing her pain. It hurt to think that she wondered if he'd ever wished he could have Zea in his arms instead of her. Zea was dead now, he understood that, but it didn't stop him from feeling the way he did. Kazumi did make him feel better she really did. Though Patrick still wasn't really sleeping he had been drinking less, comparatively and not been seeing the ghost of Zea as often. But the guilt was still wracking.

Patrick could tell that she was crying now, even though he was drunk. Trembling. He could tell that this was just as scary a moment for her as it was for him. He didn't want to say the wrong thing so there was a long, long pause. But eventually he would speak, "I won't lie to ye Kazumi. I loved Zea, I did. I don't think I ever told her that. But I love ye more. I know I shouldn't feel the way I now, but I do. I miss her, but having her in my arms, I don't want that. I wish she was still alive, but I want to have ye more then her. If she were alive right now, I'd have to pick ye."

Patrick paused hesitant to say the next part. He had never told anyone before, "What I feel for her now, her memory. It's hard to explain. Guilt, more then anything I guess. She saved my life when I was left for dead. She found me the night I was cut up, the night I had those wings carved into my back, the night I was shot in the leg. She saved me, something that's always weighed on me when the consequences of my actions got her killed. It's my fault she's dead. I was busy offing mobsters, thinking I'd never get found out, lying to her about what i was doing. Then eventually I got found out, but luckily the guy who was supposed to kill me was a former friend of hers. It was simple. I stopped and he "killed" me. So I stopped. Some time later I came here and found a note. Apparently we were betrayed and they took her. It was simple, they killed her if I didn't turn myself over. I had worked around those types long enough, she wasn't walking away."

There was another long pause, "She was at the docks. The ones ye found me on, the ones I see every time I close my eyes. I killed my way to her. But as I rounded the last corner, there use to be more on that dock, I was to late. The guy was already shooting her."

Another excruciatingly long pause before Patrick inhaled, looking for breath, "The last I ever saw of her, the last thing I remember of her being alive was her forcing her last bit of strength up to look at me. That accusing glare, like it was boring into my soul. That look of disgust and contempt for me. Accusing me of what I had done. I couldn't say anything. Her head dropped and I was shot off the dock."

Patrick shuddered, "That look haunts me every time I close my eyes. Every time I'm alone. The look that reminds me that I killed her. That I deserve everything that's happened to me. She saved my life, and I killed her. Hell of a person, huh? And I din't know how to fix that. How to keep it from hurting. Because there's no way I can right that wrong."

Although Patrick wasn't sober enough to have intended to make implications there were a few here. Ones that proved that he loved Kazumi, more then his ghost. One, that he hadn't lied to her about being a killer. Unlike Zea, who had found out too late he had told her, tried to do the right thing. Hadn't lied to her for long periods of time about things essential to his character that he was doing. Sure he lied about his name, and to her for awhile, but that felt different. He had been trying to protect her, keep her out of his life and not caught up in that. Also he had told her many times that he loved her. Whereas he told Kazumi that, he wasn't sure if he ever told Zea. There was no doubt that he had, but the point was made.

Patrick sat there, eyes on the floor in front of Kazumi, scared. He was out of words but he was desperately terrified that she'd turn around and walk away, leaving him here. Deciding that he wasn't worth the effort...

[Kazumi O'Connor]

She heard the fear in his voice, she saw it in his eyes, and it broke her heart. All she wanted to do in that moment was go to him and to make it better, to comfort him and to ease his fear and his pain. But she stood her ground, partly because of the fact that she knew that if she went to him now it would draw an end to this conversation and she couldn't allow that to happen. Not now....No, this time she had to know....But another reason that she didn't move, was because of the fact that she wasn't entirely sure she could right this moment. She was so terrified of what he was going to say, so scared he was going to tell her that he would never be able to feel for her the way he did Zea, that her knees felt weak, her stomach turning in an all too familiar manner.

Still the tears continued to flow, trembling fingers covering her lips to try and stifle back the soft little sobs that continued to escape her. Amethyst eyes focused upon him intently as he began to speak, listening to every single word as if her very life depended on it, because in reality, it felt as though it did. He was the entire reason she was able to feel happiness again, the entire reason that she even wanted to get better.....In his arms was the only time she truly felt safe, truly felt.....whole. If she lost him, it would kill her in a way that Earth and his torture session were never able to do.

Then the story began and more and more she could feel a stabbing pain in her chest. Feel her heart breaking and feel her breath catching in her throat. Nothing more than her trembling breaths and muffled little sobs being heard from her direction.....remaining otherwise completely silent and allowing him to continue. Yet as the story went on, the pain in her eyes only increased, her chest tightening to the point that her free hand absentmindedly came up and rubbed against the center of such.

Sure, one might expect her to be happy. To hear that he loved her and would choose her if the situation were possible to arise. That what he had with her was more important to him than what he had shared with Zea. But she couldn't feel happiness....Not right now...Not when he was in so much pain. Then, as his story progressed, she noted that shudder. It might have been hard to see in this room, but with her eyes fully adjusted and with her ability to see rather clearly in darkness, it wasn't impossible for her to pick up on, and it took every single bit of will power she could manage not to move forward. Tears flowing harder now, though for an entirely different reason.

She held her ground. However shakey and uncertain it was in this moment...letting him finish what he had to say. Though, once he was done speaking, once she noticed that he would not look out her, it didn't take her long to figure out what he was thinking, what he was afraid of. He was afraid that she was going to leave him. He was afraid that she was going to be disgusted by his words and that she was going to turn her back on him. The pain in her chest growing tighter as she shook her head and finally managed to find the strength to move....Only, unlike he may have thought she would do, she did not move away...she did not turn her back and leave him sitting there. Instead her feet carried her across the floor to where he sat, lowering down to her knees in front of him, and her small, trembling hand coming up to rest against his cheek.

Those big, bright eyes looking up into his, she shook her head once more, tears lingering within her gaze, though she did nothing to brush them away or the ones that rolled down her cheeks. "Shhh...Its okay..." Her words just above that of a whisper as her thumb slowly trace along his cheek, her free hand coming to rest upon his thigh, a gentle squeeze to let him know that she was there.

"I can't say that what you did was right, hiding it from her the way you did....but at the same time, I cannot say that it was wrong. You were trying to protect her in the best way you knew how, trying to protect yourself....Perhaps it wasn't the best way, but it was the only way you could think of." She shifted just a bit closer, knees scooting through the dust on the floor to bring her small form to press against his knees. A few more tears falling, though again, she paid them no mind.

No, right now her focus was on him, on trying to make it better for him in some small, possibly insignificant way. "It ended....horribly, and I am so, so sorry that you had to go through that baby...There is not a part of me that doesn't wish I could take that pain away from you, but I can't.....Not completely....It will always be there, but it doesn't have to be this bad...it doesn't have to always feel this way....I can't speak for her, as to how she felt for you...I don't know if she loved you or not....But what I do know, without a shred of doubt is that I love you....I love you with all my heart and soul...."

Her thumb continuing to trace his cheek slowly, affectionately. Her voice cracking and trembling as she spoke, though her affection all too apparent in every word. "I can never ask you to forget her....She was a huge part of your life, and has been even after her death...I would never dream of asking you to forget her....But baby, you have to let her go....Please...I can't stand to see you like this, I can't stand to see you hurting this way....You drown yourself in the alcohol and the cigarettes...and whatever else....you...you keep yourself stuck in that place...on that dock.....in that moment....You keep your mind lost in her eyes...."

She would shift, her hands cupping either side of his face, forcing his eyes to focus on her own which had now turned back to their usual, deep, almost hypnotic blue. Eyes that were full of nothing but love and affection for him.... "Please baby....let her go....Because even though that was a huge part of your past....You have somebody who loves you more than life itself right now." Then, as if to drive the point home, a single digit would move to slowly and delicately trace along the scar which crossed over his eye. "And now is all we have....because we never know what tomorrow will bring and because I don't want you to ever look back on your time with me and wish that you could have been here more.....could have given me more....given yourself more...." She choked back a soft little sob and fought back a soft whimper that desperately wished to escape. "I know it will be hard....but....I will be here with you every step of the way....I promise." She knew far too well how hard it was to let something from the past go....Gods knew she was having a hard enough time letting go of what had happened with Earth....but she tried, every single day....suffered through those hours of torture....just so she could try and let go...try and get better......For him, and only for him.

[Legion]

Patrick's heart jumped when she made her way over to him, pretty sure she wasn't leaving him, though he hadn't taken that option out of the equation yet either. Though when she knelt before him, her hand pressing against his cheek, causing his head to tilt slightly and as she comforted him, he was pretty sure she wasn't going any where, a wave of relief washing over him.

Patrick listened as she neither condoned, nor condemned his actions with Zea, the lies that he had told her. Not that he would have cared if she condemned him, because he knew what he did was wrong. She pressed herself into his knees before him, apologizing for how it ended, wishing she could take away the pain. But even as he was now, Patrick knew that she couldn't so he didn't feel bad when she said that she couldn't. However, probably more then she'd know he did take a huge amount of comfort when she said that she loved him, heart and soul. It made him feel better about himself, if only a little.

She didn't want him to forget, at least she wasn't asking him to, but she was asking him to let her go. Were it so easy he'd have done it by now. Though you could argue that he never really have a good reason to, nor a real desire to until now. Still though it wasn't one of those things that you could just do at a snap of the fingers. But she didn't want to see him drowning himself in all the drugs and alcohol to get out of that moment, to have him not constantly living back in that moment.

Her hands cupped his cheeks, forcing him to look into those hypnotic blue eyes. Asking him to let her go again, because he had her, someone who loved him more then life itself. It was a convincing argument, and one that didn't need much more to back it up. Hell, she was the reason Patrick felt so guilty for not being able to let go of Zea. As her finger dragged itself down, along his scar, in a fashion that only she could manage Patrick dropped the picture he was holding. Her affection was much appreciated.

She continued, hitting home the point that now was all they really had. That they could be ripped apart by unknown forces tomorrow and that he would have wasted time he could have spent with her if he dwelled too much on the past. That struck a chord with him. With all the loved ones he had seen die in the past, he didn't want another moment to pass him by. If Kazumi were to be ripped from him, he wanted to say that he did everything he possible could with her.

At that point she didn't need to promise him that she'd help every step of the way. He knew it would be hard, but without hesitation when she was done speaking Patrick would move to the next step, "How?"

[Kazumi O'Connor]

She heard that picture fall from his hand, and though it probably shouldn't have, it sent a small shot of happiness through her. No, she held no ill will toward the other woman he had been with, she couldn't and would never dream of doing so. But she took it as a sign that he was at least willing to try and let go. She didn't expect it to be easy, he had been living with it for far too long for it to be easy....but it wasn't impossible. She knew that much. If she could do it, then he could too because in her mind he was so much stronger than she could ever hope to be.

Yet the simple act of dropping that picture was not enough to be sure that he was willing to try and so she would continue her words, finger finishing its path along his scar and her hand slowly falling away, those eyes locked upon his and the love within them never wavering, never weakening. Then, as if to answer whatever silent prayer she had been issuing in her mind, he asked her how.

Gods if only there was one clear cut answer to go about doing this, but there wasn't and there would be things that worked and others that didn't...It was all a matter of trial and error but one that she was willing to help him with, no matter how long it took. "Well baby...first off....you need to stop drinking and stop with the pills and everything else you use to try and numb the memories, to try and push them away....You can't really get over the past if you don't allow yourself to face it...." Yes, he relived it every time he slept, every time he closed his eyes....but that didn't mean he faced it, it just meant that he kept himself on an endless loop which was not good for his health, both physically and mentally.

"You need to...You need to find a way, however small, to forgive yourself..." Her fingers lightly pressing to his lips, knowing what kind of protest he was likely to issue to that statement. Knowing that he would likely say he couldn't....But if he was going to let go of Zea, he was going to have to try..."I know that it won't be easy, especially if you have been living with the guilt of that night for so very long....But its not impossible, I promise....There is a reason that you are alive now, there is a reason that you are here, with me....Yes, you did wrong, but you won't ever be able to change that, and you can't keep punishing yourself for it. I will help you, I swear....I will try my best to help you see things in a different light....But you just have to trust me..."

She waited there, those eyes looking at him almost questioningly. She had told him time and time again that she trusted him, but never had she asked the same of him. But she was now, because honestly, she could only help him if he trusted her......Once he had answered, be it yes or no....she would continue, fingers having long since fallen away from his lips, now resting upon his chest. "But most of all....you have to stop and look, with a clear head, at what you have now....At where you are now....." She reached out, taking his hand and pulling it to her chest, resting it atop her heart which was racing due to the fear she had felt moments before, the fear of losing him...the fear of losing the one thing that meant most to her in this world. Her opposite hand moving to rest atop his own chest, feeling his heart beat beneath her touch. "Every time you feel yourself starting to slip, starting to fall back into that time and place....Just stop and remember me, remember this moment, right now....The feel of my heart, which belongs to you...My eyes..." She then rose up just slightly, her lips slowly brushing against his. "The way my kiss tastes....the way my scent comforts you...." Oh yes, she knew that little detail even though he had never said it out loud...."But most of all....Remember what I said that night in the hotel..." She tilted her head, leaning in and brushing her lips against his ear as she spoke in a soft, loving and yet somewhat possessive whisper..."You are mine...." She wasn't sure, at least not 100% that any of that would help. But she damn well was going to try and get through to him any way she knew how...lips brushing against the scar on his neck, the scar she had left....the one that marked him as her's....Teeth lightly grazing against that mark which she had since bitten into several more times....A soft little growl escaping her, and yet as she tilted her head, the scar on her own neck that had been left by his bite became exposed...her hair falling away to leave it all too visible should he take notice...."I won't lose you to your past...You are mine and I am yours...and nothing is going to take that away from us...Just please...promise me you will try to remember that from now on. The rest, we will figure out as we go....But I will be here...no matter what."

Thoughts of her previous worries crossed her mind, and for a moment her eyes diverted. She thought to say something....but then, with the thought of how much he already had ahead of him....how much struggle and pain it was likely to cause him emotionally....she just couldn't. She was too scared...Scared of what laying too much upon him might do...especially when she wasn't entirely sure yet.....So no, she would keep to herself and instead focus all her attention on him....He needed her, and she would not let him down...Not so long as she could help it.

[Legion]

When he asked her how she hesitated, or at least there was a pause. Patrick was okay with that though, he knew that there wasn't going to be an easy path that was laid out. He was okay with that though. Anything for her. Anything to make her happy, and if that meant him being happy, well he was gonna be the happiest sonofabitch in the world. That and he wanted to drop these guilty feelings of not leaving Zea in the past.

When she gave him his first step it made plenty of sense, well in his drunkenness it did, though it would in the morning too. Being able to face the memories of sober and sound mind. As hard as that would be, being able to deal with them sober or something. Whatever, wanting to her to see his commitment, he dropped the bottle he was holding on to as soon as she finished speaking. His hands going into his pockets to drop the bottle of pills on the floor, taking out the cigarette case dumping the cigarettes on the floor. Though the case he put back in his pocket, not that he meant to fill it up with more cigarettes, it just held value to him, value that Kazumi would probably have a talk with him as some point, seeing as it belonged to a kid he'd killed.

Kazumi was definitely a smart woman. Her fingers pressing against his lips to keep his mouth shut. He absolutely would have spoke up if she had not shushed him. Why? Because he didn't thing he could, or should forgive himself for what he had done. The word justice probably would have slipped out of his mouth. But he listened for lack of being able to speak. Telling him that it was possible for him the forgive himself. That she'd help him. What he really latched on to was how she admitted that he did wrong, not denying it, but that continuing to punish himself wasn't going to change what he had done. Though he did want, no, need her help on this one.

"I trust ye," Patrick would say when he was allowed to speak. He figured, what the hell? Relationships were founded on trust right? Good ones anyway. But more importantly he had asked her to trust him fully, who would he be if he didn't do that same? Still though, for someone like him, trust of of the utmost importance. In the cloak and dagger game, where real trust was guarded fiercely and abused at every opportunity, it was something he'd didn't pass around freely or lightly. He wasn't sure if she'd understand how much of a big deal saying that was to her, but it was likely that she'd know that it was important.

She then moved his hand to her chest, letting him feel her fast heartbeat, as she placed her hand on his chest, telling him that this was the most important thing. To remember that he had her, everything about her was his. Her lips brushed against his as she continued to tell him what belonged to him, as he lips ended next to his ears as she whispered those words in his ear that made him shiver. Oh yeah, those words helps. Damn, they did. Her teeth grazed the scar on his neck, her mark of ownership of him. Her head tilted as her hair slipped away he saw the mark left by him on her neck. The mark saying that she belonged to him. His free hand idly extending to trace it with his fingers.

As she made her last little plea, telling him that she wouldn't let his past consume him he would look on, saying resolutely as an affirmation, "I belong to ye."

[Kazumi O'Connor]

As that bottle hit the floor, the contents that remained spilling onto the floor, the pills following suit, she would watch him intently. She didn't say anything, letting his rid that case of the cigarettes inside before returning it to his pocket. She didn't ask, though she was sure it held some significance, something she would worry about later.

For now, she would simply smile and give a soft little nod, though it was when he said that he trusted her that her eyes glimmered with tears just a bit. She understood more than he thought she did about how important such a thing was to him. In a lot of ways, he reminded her of her Mother Kevala....They both were so guarded about their pasts and trust for them was sacred, something that didn't just get handed out lightly...

Then after she had leaned in and trailed her lips and teeth along that scar on his neck, she felt him shiver, sparking that more feral side of her that was becoming far more apparent with the sessions they had been performing to put Feht back where she belonged. Her own shiver given as his fingers slowly traced the mark upon her neck that signified her belonging to him, those eyes falling closed as she let out a shaky little breath against his neck.

When he finally spoke, she would smile, nodding just a bit and then leaning in once more, tongue slowly trailing over that scar on his neck...the heat of her breath washing over his flesh. "And I belong to you..." Whispering softly before she would bite down upon the mark she had previously created...not hard enough to break the skin but enough to be felt just the same.

She couldn't help it. That more animalistic side of her wanted to make it clear that he was her's and that she would do anything to help him, to save him....even if it was from himself...Anything to keep him. Though after a moment she would pull back, her nose softly nuzzling into the side of his neck now....Despite being more in touch with that other side of herself now, and despite how much that side craved tasting his blood, refreshing that mark or making it clear that he was her's.....She always had that soft side to follow, the side that desired nothing more than to nuzzle into him, to take in his scent and to be close to him. Two halves of a coin, or at least getting there....Much closer to who she had been when they met than that night she found him on the dock, that was for sure.

"Come on baby...Lets go home..." She didn't elaborate on those words, just pulled back slowly and looked up at him once more with those loving blue eyes. She wasn't sure if he would get the gist of her meaning, given his rather drunken state...but if he asked, she would elaborate. The way she saw it, was that every time she spent the night at that house...well....her house...he stayed with her......Well, now...she was moving there to live permanently and to be honest, she couldn't really imagine being alone in that house without him.....Not that she couldn't manage on her own...Just that it would feel so empty at this point....

So yes, this was her own subtle way of asking him if he would stay with her...for good....But yeah, if he didn't understand what "home" meant to her, she would explain, even as she slowly pushed herself up to stand and took his hand in her own, lacing her fingers through his to softly urge him out of that chair....a slight pause given as she stumbled back just a half step, eyes closing as she shook her head and drew in a deep breath as if to steady herself.

Though it wasn't long before she was recovered, almost as if nothing had happened, that smile once more in place as she would wait for him before leading him out of the building and back onto the sidewalk outside. "Do you want to walk it, or would you rather I got us a ride?" Her head tilting slightly as she would come to a stop in front of him, those eyes again looking up at him.

[Legion]

Patrick was able to see her smile and well, that send more waves of relief over him. As she leaned in, he felt her warm tongue against that scar on his neck, her scar. It was one of the few scars that he was glad to have. Her whispers of belonging to her sending a shiver through him again, her breath cooling the spot that her tongue had graced. And then she bit down, causing him to hiss in pleasure. Yeah, they had bit each other a few more times since the first time and Patrick was starting to get use to it. More then use to it, he was starting to enjoy it for more then the knowledge that Kazumi loved it. It was starting to be an expression of love from him as well.

Patrick felt her nuzzle into his neck, the spot where she bit, more affectionately. He really loved to see her coming back to her old self, and he was glad that he could be apart of that, even if he didn't like the role he took in it. But he was glad to see her starting to resemble her old self more and more.

She whispered those words into his neck before pulling back looking him in the eyes. Patrick smiled. No, he didn't understand what home meant to her. He lived out of a truck. He had spent much of his life on the streets, ready to vacate at a moment's notice. He was a vagabond, to him home was where ever he laid his head down at night. Home was more of a transient, vague idea to him. Though he thought he understood what she was trying to get at? That she wanted him there? More permanently perhaps? Patrick fought hard not to jump to any conclusions, knowing he was drunk after all.

Patrick would follow her leading though, standing up as she pulled him up, her hand in his. Smiling and only after he'd stood up, as some form of agreement, or at least show of it he'd ask, still not fully knowing what she meant but okay with it all the same, "Home?"

Patrick would follow her out with a smile, out to the sidewalk. He was glad that this was the way things had went down, whatever direction they were leading him. When she asked him whether he'd rather walk or get a ride he smile saying, "I can walk well enough."

He was drunk so there would probably be a little stumbling, she'd had to push him to stay in a straight line, but he wouldn't be falling down on her. He wasn't that gone...

[Kazumi O'Connor]

She was glad that he had not noticed her little bout of dizziness just then. It was one less thing for her to have to worry about explaining, especially since it all stemmed from a topic she was not ready to discuss with him....at least not yet. Though when he asked about home, implying that he didn't know what she had meant....she would smile slightly, a soft blush forming on her cheeks as she led the way outside. "Yeah...home..."

Nodding as he agreed to just walk the distance and turning to head in the direction of the house. Her fingers laced with his, her eyes would lower to her feet as they slowly drug along the sidewalk, making sure to stay at a pace where she was able to stay next to him and steer him in a straight line. "I...Well I told my Moms that I was moving out tonight. Its why I was out walking. They didn't take the news too kindly, but in the end, they couldn't really argue with me on it. I mean, I will be eighteen in a couple weeks and the truth is....that house, with them....well it isn't home to me anymore."

No, it had not been home since her brothers had moved out. Oh sure, their stuff was still there, their rooms ready for them when they came home...but it just...well it just wasn't what Kazumi considered to be home anymore. "To be honest, the house....well, despite the whole...basement thing...to me, that is home." She paused, realizing she had not really touched upon the subject that she most wanted to touch upon. "Well, I mean, its home as long as you are there....So I was hoping that maybe....Well I don't know, that maybe you would consider moving in with me?"

She bit her lower lip, eyes cutting toward him slightly, trying to gauge his reaction, though not allowing him time to answer before she would hurry to explain something that she thought was important to his decision making here. "Before you decide....Umm..You should probably know what the word home means to me...I mean, I don't want us to be on different pages on this...So, yeah..."

Now she was just rambling. She knew it, and yet she couldn't stop. This was a very nerve inducing topic for her, if for no other reason than the fact that she had heard him call that other place home not that long ago and she feared that despite everything he wouldn't think of the house he shared with her as being his home...at least not right now. "Umm...so yeah, home for me is not just a house that you sleep in....I mean, I know that it is for most people...but, for me its more. To me its where you feel safe, where you feel welcome and wanted, like you don't have to hide, like you can be yourself...To me, a home isn't made by the materials that constructed the house, but by the people you share the house with....They are what make it home..."

Her tone lowered just a bit, a bit shy now as she finished up her little explanation. "Y..You are what makes it home for me...." Yeah, that was the best way that she could think to put it. Sure, she could move into that house and she could do just fine on her own there. The security was tight enough that she didn't have to worry about anything happening to her and she was more than capable of cooking and all that good stuff. Her Mother had already agreed to pay for everything...reluctantly, but she had agreed just the same.

But the fact of the matter was, if he wasn't there with her, it would feel just as empty as the house she shared with her parents. She knew the house was not that fancy. It was nice, but in comparison to the one she lived in now, it was rather small....and though it was furnished, there was nothing overly fancy about it other than the security. Hell, the neighborhood wasn't even that amazing....But, none of that mattered to her because, when you got right down to it.....anywhere was home as long as she was with him....Cliche, true....but the truth just the same. "So, umm...what do you say? I mean, I know its not much...and well...I know that you might not want to make that kind of commitment to me yet...But, I just thought....Well, I guess I just thought that maybe you would like staying with me and I mean...I know that I would love nothing more than to be able to fall asleep in your arms every night."

She winced slightly. "I will shut up now....Sorry." Gods, she was happy that she was starting to become more like her old self now, but she had not missed the nervous rambling that she tended to do from time to time. Not one bit. It was kind of embarrassing and well...she wasn't sure any of it had made a lick of sense. Yet, there it was. Nothing she could do now but fall silent and wait for his reply.

[Legion]

Patrick smiled as she blushed, his drunkenness not really changing how he felt about her, how cute he thought she was when she blushed. As she walked on ahead he would slowly follow, letting her lead and pull him back when necessary. He listened as she told him that she had told her Mom's that she was moving out. He figured as much when she said that her mother's hadn't taken it too kindly. Patrick didn't figure that Kevala would have taken that too well, knowing her just well enough. But Patrick frowned slightly when she said that that place wasn't home anymore. He was sorry that it didn't feel like home for her anymore.

But then, at least to him, things seemed to do a one eighty. While Patrick could see that the house that they were trying to get rid of Feht seemed as a home, he wasn't really expecting what was coming next. Call it a slow mind right now, but long before she had asked him he had considered it. But there were a few reasons why he hadn't. One, he didn't have a place. Two he wasn't going to get a place without discussing it with her, but that hadn't happened because well it seemed too early for all of that. Things were moving really fast, and although Patrick did love her, he didn't want to impose. He didn't want to risk losing her, so for her, he could wait. So when she asked, even though he didn't have time to say anything, a surprised smile crossed his face.

Patrick was a little confused though when she stopped him from replying. She wanted to explain what home meant to her. Patrick looked on intently. She didn't want them to be on different pages, that sounded rather, well, sound. Seemed to make sense to him. But when she started explaining, what home meant to her, he had to admit, he rather liked her definition. To him, home had always been where he laid his head at night. Oh, he had lived with people before, people he would have considered family, but most of the time they were still homeless at heart, least in her sense of the word.

When she finally told him that he was what made it home for her, that he understood, even through the haze, and he was touched. He really appreciated that he could make her feel that way. He smiled warmly as she would eventually continue on, eventually asking him what he thought. If he wanted to live with her as much as she lived with him. Another smile given as she said that she would shut up. Patrick thought it was cute when she rambled on nervously, to him it was endearing.

"I really like yer definition of home" Patrick said, "After so many years on the street I never thought of it like that. Home wasn't really a thing for me. It was just where ever I laid my head down at night."

"Kazumi," Patrick said with a pause, "I'd like nothing more then to be able to hold ye in my arms as ye fall asleep every night."